The Destructive Power of Love

When Travis Barker tweeted “may we destroy each other completely” shortly after he and Kourtney Kardashian made their relationship public a couple weeks ago...I felt that.

When I was in college I dated someone for two years. It started off great, as most romantic connections do. We only saw the good in each other. We showed up as the kindest, most endearing versions of ourselves. We were considerate and compassionate toward one another, the way it should be. 

Then, after over a year of novelty, infatuation, and togetherness things began to change. We still loved each other but the dynamic started to shift. Things became dull and we hit a lull. We acknowledged it in a mature, adult, heart-to-heart conversation. During that discussion I remember saying “I love you” to him for the first time. He’d said it to me already but I had a hard time talking about my feelings during that time in my life. We posed the uneasy question: were we just staying together because we were comfortable? 

We decided to break up. I asked my ex what we should tell our friends and family. He shrugged his shoulders and offered, “The relationship ran its course?” It was an uneventful, amicable split. I was sad but the full range of emotions didn’t hit me until later that day during my shift at the retail store Express, when I burst into tears while folding clothes. 

At some point one of us contacted the other and we talked about how distraught we both were feeling about the breakup. We ended up getting back together and embarking on our second act—the one that would make us hate each other.

I’ll take the blame here. I wasn’t the best girlfriend and that was the catalyst for most of our conflicts. One time shortly after I turned 21 I got completely shitfaced at a pub near campus and threw up on the bar while I was closing my tab. Unbeknownst to me, someone he knew told him and when he asked me about it I lied. He explained to me that we were a team and we represented each other, a concept that had been totally lost on me.

Then there was the time he caught me after I let a guy take me out to eat. Nothing happened; I didn’t physically cheat on my boyfriend but going out with that person was inappropriate. Don’t ask me where my moral compass was because I can’t tell you. Let’s just call it being young and stupid. 

My man and I weathered my poor choices and stayed together. The truth is I took him for granted and stopped showing up in the relationship. Overall, I wasn’t progressing in my life and it began to wear on us.

It was the first long-term relationship we’d both been in and we didn’t know how to let go. Staying involved with each other beyond our expiration date caused immense friction. We broke each other down until there was mostly just bitterness left between us.

Because we didn’t go through with our original separation, we gave up the opportunity to go our separate ways while we still saw each other in a positive light. We started to bicker and argue about things like whose apartment we spent more time at, and why I seemed to have more fun with my friends than with him. There were many nights when we’d fight but still go to sleep together, even though we both had our own places. As much as we were irritated by each other, we were attached. 

In the end, the relationship finally culminated in a series of heart-wrenching confrontations that left me shattered. When it was officially over I felt like I’d lost a limb. My weight dropped significantly in the weeks after. I didn’t have an appetite and I felt like a zombie as I moved through life in the following months.

“May we destroy each other completely” to me means, let’s wear this love out. Let’s ride this ‘til the wheels fall off. Let’s completely drain each other. While a mental health professional would probably advise against this, I have to say the sentiment resonates with me. 

Nothing in my life has ever made me feel more alive than the wild, unbridled pang that comes with failed love. Although people Travis and Kourtney’s age hopefully have better habits than to become toxic to each other, romantic love tends to bring out the best and the worst in people.

For my ex and me, it wasn’t enough to simply end our relationship on good terms. Had we done it that way, I don’t think I would’ve had the harsh realizations that I did about myself. I learned so much about what it means to be good to a significant other and put your best foot forward. I discovered my weaknesses and was forced to develop coping skills. I survived and came out stronger and wiser on the other side, and I think that’s all you can really ask for out of love.