Dating Divorced Dudes
I tend to get uncomfortable if planning a date feels too formal. When guys ask me out days in advance it sometimes makes me uneasy. It’s even worse if the date he’s proposing is a traditional sit-down dinner. I prefer a more casual approach.
“Wanna grab tacos tonight?” is more palatable than “Would you like to go to dinner next Saturday?”
I want it to feel spontaneous and not too serious. The more time I have to anticipate the meetup, the more time I have to be anxious. A proposition less than 24 hours beforehand is preferred...and maybe if we skip a sit-down meal altogether.
I’m aware that this is a personal shortcoming that’s indicative of some level of immaturity. As I get older I realize that the way a guy asks me out speaks to his character and oftentimes his intentions. It’s occurred to me that if I ever want to be taken seriously I’ll have to surrender my juvenile discomfort in being asked out like a grown woman. So I’ve become more open and am even learning to expect that standard. In doing so I’ve noticed that no other group of men recognizes my grown womanhood like divorced men.
In my experience divorced men are exceptional at stepping up to the plate and taking the reins. They plan more thoroughly. They’re better communicators. It even feels like they know themselves better.
Dating a man who’s been married (& divorced) is great because I know he’s already excelled in a romantic relationship. Nevermind that it didn’t last. That part isn't important because the dissolution of the union wasn’t necessarily his fault. My theory instead focuses on the journey it took to land marital status—courting, caring, committing. As a caveat, I want to state I understand some couples rush into marriage and some get married for the wrong reasons, but my point here is that a man’s most likely gotten the basics of being in a partnership down if he’s exchanged I do’s.
This past summer a guy I met on Hinge asked me on a picnic date. I thought it was a cute idea given the current public health crisis and restaurants being closed at the time. He asked me what kind of food I eat on a normal day when I’m at home. I told him I liked fruit snacks, Triscuits, pizza, sandwiches—regular shit, nothing fancy or unreasonable. I also tried to take any pressure off by telling him to bring whatever he liked.
On the morning of the picnic he sent a text asking if I wanted to “snack super hard” or if I wanted “food food.” It felt like a last minute attempt to alleviate some responsibility and to manage expectations. Snacks are cool, I texted back, thinking he’d at least bring one of the items I’d mentioned. I brought fruit, chips and hummus, and hard cider for good measure.
Imagine the shock I felt when he showed up with only muffins and water! A divorced man would never.
I was assured of this months later when a different Hinge match invited me to have drinks on the beach. He was very clear from the moment he asked me out. “I’ll bring the whole setup,” he told me via text. The day before we planned to meet he followed up, asking what exactly I wanted to drink. “Red, white, tequila?”
When I arrived at his place he had everything covered. From blending a fresh batch of mango margaritas, to packing the cooler, to bringing beach blankets, I didn’t have to worry about a thing. I almost felt like I was taking advantage.
It was a stark contrast to what I’d experienced with the other guy. And if you ask me, it was no coincidence. Half way into the beach date I learned my man friend had formerly been married for three years. It all made sense.
That’s not the only positive experience I’ve had with dating a divorced guy but I won’t bore you with more examples here. In general, men who have been in longer relationships—three or more years’ time—are better partners.
Lifelong bachelors tend to be selfish, aloof, and emotionally unavailable. They talk a good game but rarely possess execution skills to match.
I’m always comforted when a guy tells me he was previously hitched or in a long relationship. For someone like me, who’s never made it past two years in a romantic relationship, it’s admirable. It makes me feel more at ease getting involved with someone who’s been where I’ve never been.
Although marriage isn’t on my radar, it’s inspiring to know that a guy I’m seeing isn’t afraid to go there.
